It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*