I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Coffee for people with no kids
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
*jazz hands*
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,