i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.