Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.