Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.