Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
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Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…