I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
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if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.