I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist