i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
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Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
where do you see yourself in five years?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!