I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.