Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*