goldfish mafia
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[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
how to have an accident 101
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
hi why am I like this
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.