Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
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[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors