Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.