While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name