My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.