It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?