Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
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Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.