According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
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me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”