I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Best seat on the street 😍
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Weirdos gonna weird.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.