I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Social distancing in Australia:
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?