I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
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If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses