Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby