oh no, steve’s working tonight
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.