I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.