Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
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You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
i dont have time for this