[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
don’t we all
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Best spoiler warning ever
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.