Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You Might Also Like
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
it must be school picture day
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Love is always patient and kind.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels