The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
You Might Also Like
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.