Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.