talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
accurate
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.