*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos