Coffee for people with no kids
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Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Truth
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.