Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
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Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
That eye roll….
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Sell your car
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.