In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
When he asks for feet pics
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.