one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I will never stop laughing at this
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”