[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
You Might Also Like
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill