[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.