Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist