Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.