I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
You Might Also Like
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing