If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
every college guy’s fridge
Just why bro?!
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground