“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.