Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Social distancing in Australia:
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.