Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
do mermaids get waxed or descaled