*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work