I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Everything reminds me of my ex
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about