why does this building look like a guilty dog
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who鈥檚 putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
You don鈥檛 scare me, you鈥檙e not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
interviewer: what鈥檚 the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it鈥檚 my calm demeanor
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 馃槓
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad鈥檚 girlfriend she鈥檚 just a girlfriend for NOW, while I鈥檒l always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Guilty! 馃お
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i鈥檓 getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
You鈥檇 think for $40 they鈥檇 be able to cut anything but apparently my wife鈥檚 expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 馃幎 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving