Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.