Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*